


Love-Life Tip #76: Leave Your Demon Dogs Alone With The Computer

by megyal



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe, Community: kakairu_fest, Humor, KakaIru Month 2015, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-01
Updated: 2015-06-01
Packaged: 2018-04-02 09:05:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4054360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/megyal/pseuds/megyal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the middle of Kakashi menacing a hunter who had dared to enter the Forest without making the proper signs of genuflection, someone's phone rang.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love-Life Tip #76: Leave Your Demon Dogs Alone With The Computer

**Author's Note:**

> Written for KakaIru Fest Summer 2015: Month of KakaIru  
> Day 1  
> Prompt: Genre: Supernatural AU  
> Scenario: Demon Kakashi’s hell-hounds have taken up matchmaking in their spare time.

In the middle of Kakashi menacing a hunter who had dared to enter the Forest without making the proper signs of genuflection, someone's phone rang. Kakashi paused; the shuddering hunter paused; even the trees, which had been helping along Kakashi's self-appointed task by providing deep shadows and scary whispers, paused. 

The phone rang again. A snarl of annoyance escaped from between Kakashi's elongated front teeth and he straightened from where he had been looming over the hunter. He changed his form: his horns retracted and the flames which had roared between them sputtered out. His hair shortened from its shaggy fall down his back. His traditional robes transformed to a raggedy t-shirt and a pair of low-slung jeans. Kakashi glared at the cowering hunter as the phone rang again.

"Is that _yours_?" he snapped and the hunter shook his head.

"No, Demon-san," he replied in a wavering tone. "I...I think it's _yours_."

Oh. Oh, yes, he _had_ gotten one of those human inventions, specially designed to withstand the aura of a supernatural being. He reached into his back-pocket and peered at the wide screen. The hunter shifted as if contemplating a scurry towards safety and Kakashi pointed at him in warning, his left eye erupting into flames. The hunter curled into a ball and whimpered.

Kakashi returned his attention to the phone. The identifying words didn't say _ROOTY PATOOTIE_ , which was Tenzo, a tree spirit who lived at the edge of the Forest; nor was it _THE GREEN AGONY_ , who was Guy, a deity of sheer annoying energy. Not Minato, deity of the sun nor Rin, a river-sprite who liked to tease Obito, a fire demon who lurked near Rin's steep banks. It was a number that Kakashi didn't know, and he answered with as much ill-humour as he could manage.

" _What_?" 

There was a stunned pause, then a deep voice curled into Kakashi's ear. It was a calm voice, a voice of soothing breeze, but it had the edge of powerful hurricanes. The lightning and thunder in Kakashi ached for it.

"Kakashi?"

Kakashi nearly sighed at the sound of his name in that zephyr of a voice. "Yes? Who is this?"

"This is Iruka."

Wow... _Iruka_ , by the Forest. Iruka-sama, deity of all the winds from small gusts to typhoons. Kakashi had always watched him from afar as he worked to send Lady Kushina's rains to the Forest. His work was poetry and Kakashi had always longed to dance with him, to throw lightning and thunder into the song of nature.

"Oh. Uh. What do you want, Iruka-sama?" Kakashi asked now and then literally kicked himself. Smooth; real smooth.

"You said I could call?" Iruka-sama said, sounding very unsure. Kakashi blinked. "We've been talking on chat for _weeks_ now, I thought--"

"You're joking," Kakashi blurted out, because as much as he wanted to, he had never spoken to Iruka-sama in his life. Another pause, long and tense, and then a soft sigh.

"Apparently it has been all a joke. Goodbye, Kakashi."

Kakashi pulled the phone away from his ear and stared at the screen. He'd just gotten a call from who he considered the sexiest deity in this _entire country_ , the wind-god who featured in every single one of Kakashi's sexy sex-dreams, and had managed to utterly mess it up without knowing what he was messing up. Who could have set him up in such a manner? Not Obito; he was too busy wooing Rin and--

He growled. He knew _exactly_ who would fuck with him so thoroughly.

"You can go," he told the hunter and then smiled with every one of his sharp teeth. "I'm calling my hounds. You might as well run."

The hunter scrambled away with all his speed, impressive for a human. Kakashi watched him go, then summoned his hounds with a single enraged howl. They popped into this plane as eight crackling balls of fire, then resolved into their most innocent looking form: dogs of varying sizes, wearing their blue vests and virtuous expressions.

"Oh, hello Boss! Do you need us to frighten someone?" Shiba asked, eyes very bright. "Or sniff them out?"

"Or bite them?" Urushi piped up. "We're good at biting. We're so good at so many things."

"And we love you," Bisuke put in, brown eyes fairly melting with saccharine adoration. "We love you _so very much_. We'd do _anything_ for you."

"I want to know why Iruka-sama called me," Kakashi asked them and scowled as they gave each other excited looks. Bull, the most taciturn of the hounds, actually wagged his tail, his jowls moving in a doggy grin.

"We set up a profile for you on supernaturalsonly.com," Pakkun said, inspecting the claws on one paw. "And when Iruka-sama answered, we couldn't let _you talk_ to him, could we? So we chatted for you. But _someone_ got too eager and said he could call."

As one, the other hounds turned to stare at Shiba. Shiba blinked slowly like a cat but said nothing.

"Why do you keep _ruining my life_!" Kakashi yelled at them, and their ears lay flat on their heads.

"You don't have a life to ruin!" Pakkun yelled back. "We're trying to help you get one! All you do is harass humans and sleep and read smut, it's so sad!"

Kakashi recoiled in offended shock, his cheeks burning. "Well, I _never_ \--"

Kakashi's phone rang again. The dogs started howling in anticipatory glee; he tried to shush them but they wouldn't shut up. And so, when he answered the phone, he had to shout.

"Hello!!"

"Look!" Iruka shouted back and even from this distance, Kakashi could feel the blast of icy wind. "I like you, okay? I've always liked you so even if you want to pretend that you weren't talking to me on that website...uh, well I thought you should know!"

"I like you too!" Kakashi screamed back and lightning struck four places right around where he stood. The dogs were now scampered around, full flame mode, baying. "I really like you! My dogs set up that profile but I would really like to continue! IF YOU DON'T MIND?! Will you just _be quiet for one minute_?!" He bellowed at the dogs. They stopped prancing around and tumbled over, panting.

"I DO NOT MIND." Iruka's voice was like a tornado and Kakashi shivered in sheer want. "TELL YOUR DOGS HELLO," he boomed and then said, in a more sedate tone. "I live near the top of the north mountain...come see me when you can, all right?"

He hung up, and Kakashi stood there for a long beat, just feeling a sweet push of inviting breeze curl around his legs. The dogs stared at him smugly. The trees seemed surprised but delighted.

"Thanks," he told them grudgingly. "I guess."

"Now all we have to do is sort out your stupid hair," Ūhei declared and they all scrambled out of the way as Kakashi threw lightning at them.

_fin_


End file.
